Making progress

Slowly but surely, it comes together. My sleep patterns are improving. My efforts on that part are starting to show effect. And counselling yesterday helped to put some more of the ducks back into that proverbial row (although shouldn’t it be an arrow shape?)

We’ve been doing some work on mindfulness, staying in the present. We’ve also done some work on training the brain to push away those thoughts that just aren’t important or helpful right now, so you can get on with what needs to be done.

I got really good at pushing thoughts, worries, away so I could get on with work/housework/whatever needed to be done. But I’d then keep pushing away, pushing away. I didn’t feel anxious, so thought I wasn’t.

Then my sleep would be all over the shop as my poor subconscious struggled to deal with all the stuff I wasn’t facing during the day.

Being present doesn’t mean just pushing away – you have to acknowledge that those thoughts and feelings exist. And you have to make time to deal with them.

So a new part of my daily routine is to spend some time late in the afternoon allowing my worries, anxieties, excitements to come to the surface and dealing with them, there and then, so my brain can relax at night and I can get a proper night’s sleep.

Counselling and bad days

It’s only been twice, so it can’t really be called a trend, but…

Once again, the day after counselling, I woke up feeling like crap. Tired. Emotional.

The thing was, we had a bit of a break-through in counselling, and identified one of the things that’s been making life difficult for me – a mistaken belief that I shouldn’t be proud of myself or put myself out there because “you shouldn’t be up-yourself”. Also, we talked about the ‘real me’ I mentioned a couple of blog posts back and about how maybe the extremes of emotions weren’t real.

As my counsellor pointed out, and I concurred, the anti-depressants don’t stop you feeling those emotions. I’m still capable of getting excited, happy, anxious etc. But the thing is, those feelings don’t overwhelm me any more or get in the way of my life.

Her point was to think about the values that I want to live my life by. Is the treatment stopping me from living my life that way? That’s the benchmark by which to decide if it’s good or not.

Thursday, I just didn’t have the energy to fight the tiredness and so I didn’t. That was different to today, where I woke up probably feeling just as bad but was able to find the voice inside me that said ‘doesn’t matter, keep going, you’ll get through it’. Luckily, I’m in a position where I can just give up on those days and spend my time lounging around the house, watching television and reading. It must be truly heinous, to be feeling that way and have to keep going.

So my sleep patterns, which were getting better, have gone weird again. My brain goes at a million miles an hour and I wake up constantly through the night. So I think I have to be firm with myself again. I had started to let myself think about the story I’m working on – that was my traditional method, I’d finish writing in the morning, let it sit and then at night, think about what to do next so I’d wake up the next morning ready to work. But that seems to be stimulating my brain too much, so back to blanking out my mind and not letting it attach to any thoughts as I’m trying to sleep. We’ll see how it goes.

Another point – had my first drop of alcohol in five weeks last night. I put myself off it until the anti-depressants settled in – it seemed to me ridiculous to put a depressant in my system while my body was getting used to anti-depressants. Perhaps it is partly to blame for why I’m feeling a bit tired today. I’ll not have any tonight and see how I go.

A great week.

So after that bad day, things have really picked up. I don’t know if it’s the anti-depressants kicking in (it’s now four weeks – dr said would take six) or if it’s the fact I’ve started walking again (exercise really does work for me) but since last Saturday, I’ve been feeling pretty good.

My sleeping’s got better and I’ve not been as tired during the day. I’ve been able to think, and concentrate better, and so I’ve got a lot done. I managed to get a whole lot of publicity stuff done for Rogue Gadda AND I started a new novel and got 10,000 words written of it.

So all in all, I have to say things are looking up.

An interesting thing I have noted – the days seem to be taking longer to past. I don’t know if it’s the depression, or if it’s the mindfulness training the counsellor suggested, but I seem to find myself with time on my hands. I don’t particularly want to fill that time with things to do, but on the other hand I don’t like being bored either.

Will be interesting to see how that develops.

Just when you think you’re out of the woods…

The black dog drags you in again.

Had a bad day yesterday. My sleep patterns are still not back in sync and as a result, I fight through tiredness each day to do what I need to do.

Things had been getting better – I’d slept reasonably well Monday and Tuesday nights. Then Wednesday night was bad. I woke up Thursday morning and instantly my thoughts went dark. ‘I’m so over this. It’s never going to end. I’m going to feel like shit forever. I don’t think I can keep doing this’.

I sat down at my computer and tried to have a normal day, but the anger, the frustration was too great. So I gave up writing and focussed instead on getting the house clean. I did some reading. Spent some time in the sun. Had a quick visit with Dad.

My counsellor gave me some advice on re-setting my sleep habits and last night I worked through them. 8.30pm – turn on electric blanket. 9pm – have a shower. 9.30pm – have a mug of warm milk. 10pm – go to bed.

I lay in bed, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the artificiality of it all. But you know what – it worked. I was asleep inside half an hour and only woke up briefly a couple of times.

Do I feel fabulous today? No, still tired. But the mood is much better. And I was able to convince myself to get up and go for a walk – I’ve been struggling with that as the weather cooled.

It took months to get myself to the place where the depression hit. I can’t expect it to be fixed in a few days. I just have to trust that while I don’t always feel it, I’m doing the right things to make myself feel better and then one day, I will be.

The real me…

Things are going well. The anti-depressants have kicked in to the point that I’m feeling quite mellow. I’m still having issues with my sleep patterns and resultant tiredness, but I’ll have a chat to the doctor about that this afternoon when I go for a check-up.

On the weekend, a friend blogged about their own battle with depression and a recent fall back into the blackness. They talked about their concerns about being medicated and now wanting to lose who they really are.

It’s something that I related to. In the past, I had my gynaecologist come up with a different birth control because I didn’t like how the pill evened me out. Sure, not having the downs was good, but I lost the highs as well. An IUD solved that problem.

It is something that plays on my mind now that I’m on anti-depressants, because I’m also on the pill at the moment too (to deal with peri-menopause symptoms). I recognise that right now, I need the help – my brain is seriously out of whack – but I don’t want to lose ME.

Then someone commented on my friends blog and paraphrasing it went like this – a psychologist friend told them that actually, the unmedicated you probably isn’t the real you. After all, you’re on medication because your brain chemistry is fucked up, right?

It’s like a brain explosion. We all know that in bi-polar, the manic phase is as dangerous as the depression phase. I’m not bi-polar, I don’t get manic, but maybe the at time intense highs and lows I go through, which I’ve always associated with me being an ‘emotional’ person, aren’t healthy either.

Maybe once the anti-depressants get my brain chemistry under control, I’m going to find the ‘real’ me.

I’ll discuss it with the counsellor at my session on Wednesday and see what she thinks.

A bit of a catch-up

Let’s see how long Blogger stays up, shall we?

So, in the week since I last posted, I -

a) been adjusting to the anti-depressants. They’ve had an impact, but not a good one – at one point I said to a friend ‘this must be what pregnancy feels like – tummy off, head a bit spinny, tired, smell of meat turns you off…’ Dr said it would take a couple of weeks for the symptoms to subside as my brain chemistry adjusts. Luckily, most of it hasn’t been too bad – the nausea for example is just a background thing. My disturbed sleep patterns and the tiredness are another thing entirely

b) I went to a new counsellor. This one isn’t as interested in taking me through cognitive behavioural therapy – she sees that as not being the issue. Her belief is that I’m hooking into negative narratives and letting them disrupt my life. Her solution – mindfulness training. Being in the moment and learning to push thoughts aside so they don’t impact on what needs to be done. If something’s bad enough, it will come back to dealt with at the appropriate time and place. Often, the thoughts aren’t worth engaging with and so they can just float away. Will be interesting to see how it works out.

c) My sleep patterns are up the wazoo. It takes me hours to fall asleep (no matter how tired I am when I go to bed) and then I’m sleeping really late and upsetting the whole balance of the day. I need to make a good routine for going to sleep – sleep hygiene, the doctor called it. The other thing I’m doing is slowly moving my body back into my usual routine. I’ve been getting up around 11 – today it was 9. Over the next week, I’ll move it down until I’m back at my usual 7am wake-up. Hopefully that, combined with the routine at night, will get me back to my standard sleep of the dead for 8-9 hours.

Mood wise, things have been pretty good. I didn’t do as much work later in the week as I would have liked, but that’s done and no point obsessing over it. Gonna try to get back into regular work patterns this week.

Feeling almost–chipper.

It’s incredible, the impact taking action can have on your mood. I’ve woken up this morning a little tired, but otherwise feeling quite good.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. I was actually a bit assertive in ensuring I got an appointment – something that I don’t normally do. The word ‘depression’ certainly gets the receptionists acting to find something for you.

Anyhoo – I’m now on anti-depressants. The latest downtown has made it clear that this is more than a one-off event and I’m happy to use medication – once I know that my body can’t fight off the problem itself. Some of the side-effects came into being pretty quickly, particularly some nausea. Doctor’s advice is to just put up with it, it will wear off in a couple of weeks as my brain starts to adjust to the new chemistry. As long as it’s not too bad, of course – if I get really sick, back to see her immediately. Otherwise, I’ve got an appointment in two weeks to check on my progress.

It’s gonna take six weeks for the drugs to start taking an affect – it’s going to be interesting to see what that is. The bad part of all this – I can’t drink until things have settled down. *sob*

I’m going to be on the anti-depressants for at least 18 months – in the doctor’s words, it generally takes a year to sort out what caused it in the first place, and then you get slowly weaned off until you’re back relying on your natural brain chemistry.

Talking of sorting out – I’ve decided to get a new counsellor. Although my first counsellor said and did some good stuff, there was also a sense of pushing their agenda and and trying to force a mutual relationship by doing things such as pushing the fact they were a writer too. And there was a general lack of – studied professionalism, I’ll call it. Not that I doubted their ability of credentials and I don’t want someone who’s all buttoned up and can’t relate, but the way things were being run were a little too relaxed for my comfort.

Yeah, I’m generally laid-back and I require a counsellor who is too – but I’m also driven and conscientious and I want to feel that from my counsellor as well.

This is a brand new person I’ve not met before, and I think it will be good to go back to the beginning and work things through now that I’m past the initial triggering event. So that’s on Wednesday.

So having seen the doctor and made the appointment with a new counsellor yesterday, I’m feeling like I’m taking control again. Add to that the fact that yesterday (despite problems with concentrating) was a good day work-wise and it’s no wonder I feel good today.

I’m going to take this day, run with it and do what I can, because who knows how long this will last.

It’s baaaaaaack.

Yesterday, the depression hit big time. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I did and while I was on my walk, I was overwhelmed by this compelling need to cry which didn’t abate all day.

Slowly but surely, I got better. I read the entries I have for a writing competition I’m judging, and had a nap. Hubby forced me up and over to a friend’s place for afternoon tea and that turned out to be a great move which helped to snap me a little out of the bad head space I was in.

By the time night fell, I was feeling – not chipper, but the desire to cry had subsided and my brain started working a little.

Not a brilliant night’s sleep – woke up three or four times, but only briefly – but at least when I woke up this morning I wanted to get up. Although I’m sitting here tired, and my eyes don’t seem to want to focus much…

I’m trying to get in to see the doctor – she’s booked up today but the receptionist has said she’ll see what she can do. I think I’m ready to go on the anti-depressants now – this obviously has more of a hold on me than I hoped it had.

I’m also getting in touch with my counsellor, in hopes he’ll see me quickly.

I’ve been walking, and I spent a lot of time in the sun yesterday. Am also eating better again too so getting on top of that. Haven’t gone for a walk yet today – is now too cold in the morning – so will go later. Maybe I’ll drive to one of my favourite spots to walk, although that depends on how I’m feeling – the depression makes my concentration so bad that it’s almost like driving drunk.

So in short, I’m doing what I can to look after myself – just need to get the brain chemistry back in the game again.

In terms of work – honestly, not entirely sure what to do about that. I know that part of this downturn is the fear of future, but I don’t know if it’s right for me to turn from that. I think I’ll keep going, but I’ll also keep an eye out for negative self-talk, and for times that I want to slide into my head and fantasise about the future and stop myself.

It’s like the Serenity Prayer – Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I think I’ve got courage and wisdom nailed – it’s the serenity I’m having issues with. So that’s what I’ll work on – not letting things I can’t control get to me, accept the reality of the situation and then work out how to get around it.

Depression and fear

Yep, I’ve been quiet – mainly cause I didn’t have anything really to say. I was feeling good, life was going along nicely and even though I’ve been sick on and off for the past couple of weeks, all in all I felt quite chipper.

Then came today. Today I will start writing fiction again, for the first time since mid-March. And I’m scared.

It’s not that I doubt I can write, or that I don’t have the ideas. I do – it’s all buzzing in my head. What’s worrying me is that this project is directly related to the event that triggered the depression. It was because of how I was approaching this project that my thinking got twisted enough for the event in March to impact me the way it did.

I now know that I over-reacted. It wasn’t the terrible event that I thought it was. Not fantastic, but with context, not the end of it all either.

But I don’t want to fall into the bad habits that caused the vulnerability that led to the over-reaction and while I’ve done a lot of work to prevent that, this is now the test.

I’ve identified and started working on some of my unhealthy thinking, thanks to my counselling. I’ve developed a business plan to help me maintain a more rounded view of my career and where I’m going. I feel more positive about the future.

But none of that has been tested. Everything I’ve done for the past few weeks has revolved around the writing. But if I’m going to be a writer, I have to write. If I want to have a career, I need to sell more novels and this project is my best hope at the moment.

I’m hoping the fact that I’m aware my fears is going to go some way to helping mitigate them.

Reporting back in after a few days

Jokingly, I said on Twitter a few days ago that maybe international travel is the cure for depression.

Well, I have to say that I think there’s an element of truth to that. Not that I’m suggesting that anyone with depression book themselves a ticket and fly out tomorrow. But the thing about holidays is that it is, well, a holiday. You’re free of the responsibility, free of the pressure, free of cooking and housework and can relax. Generally, you’re doing things that you enjoy, that interest you.

I wonder if, as part of the diagnosis and treatment of depression, there shouldn’t be built in a period of leave from work – although there’s also benefit to having things to do and making achievements at a time when it’s hard to think. Maybe going part time for a while is the way to go?

Maybe the government should send everyone who’s diagnosed with depression on holiday

It’s not just the holiday, of course. Getting some things straight in my head from the counselling session worked, and I’ve done some more with the ANU Mood Gym which has helped me to pinpoint some of the twisted thinking that got me into a position where my balloon was overinflated and able to to be easily popped.

And everything’s gone well on the holidays (although there’s been times when I’ve not felt one hundred percent safe) and so I’ve not really been tested.

Luckily, there was a moment in early March (before I went down) where I was bored on day, so I sat down and worked out my schedule for this holiday. Every morning, I’ve woken up knowing what I’m going to do, when I’m going to do it and I think that’s helped as well – maybe if I had freedom, had to make decisions, it wouldn’t be going so well.

Tomorrow I go to the RT Convention. I’ll have a roomate and there will be hundreds, maybe even thousands of people there. That’s going to test me, but hopefully I’ve already returned to an emotional equilibrium that will see me through it.

Day seven

A friend contacted me when I first announced my depression and talked about the importance of being able to talk, and have someone listen. This day proved how true that is.

Hubby came with me to the doctor’s to do all the paperwork. She was really happy with the efforts I’ve been making, particularly on the exercise front. I got big brownie points for that. There was a moment of panic when Hubby asked the (deserved) question of whether it would be a good idea to go to LA or not (he thought it would be, but wanted to be certain – I had to talk myself down in order to be ready to handle the answer being no). Luckily, doctor thought would be fine.

Note – I am aware that jetlag, on top of depression, may not make for a very good combination and I’m prepared for a major drop in mood in the first few days. Luckily, that should be over by the time the convention starts.

I popped in to see a friend for a couple of hours, and talking things over with her helped to solidify a few thoughts. It’s funny – I’ve never been one for sharing details of how I’m feeling about things. I think there’s a few reasons for that – my life-long low self-esteem is a big part of it, and being in a large family also can help you become extremely independent. But what it does mean is that there’s no way your thoughts can be questioned or examined – you keep them inside, they get locked into being a truth and then the problems begin.

I need to talk about what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what I want and need more often, if only to question if that is actually what I’m feeling, thinking, wanting and needing.

Then I was able to quickly organise my first counselling session. I got some really valuable insights from it into some of the warped thinking that put me in a position where life could become too heavy a burden.

For example, I’ve been quite proud of how my self-confidence has been developing, but I’ve realised that some of the good feelings I’ve had about myself have come from the wrong place. When people come to say they love my books, it’s not about me – it’s about the book. Important thing to remember.

Also, I realised that over the past few months, I’ve become too narrow in my focus. I left myself with no room to move and so when seemingly bad news came, I couldn’t step aside or change direction and so I had no choice but to be pummelled by it.

Finally, was the realisation that I’ve been trying to hold onto things that can’t be held onto. Sometimes it’s for a good reason – a dream has been fulfilled, but I haven’t recognised that. Sometimes it’s due to lack of understanding.

The Serenity Prayer is one that I’ve always felt a connection to:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Makes a lot of sense to me now.

So my mood is fairly elevated today – and yet the physical symptoms are still there. Who said this was just a mood to get yourself out of? Anyone who has – you don’t have a clue.

Now, to finish my packing. 18.5 hours until I leave for California

Day six

First, a thank you to everyone and all your supportive comments. A few people have called me brave – hard to feel that I’m taking a risk when I’ve not had a single negative response yet. Also, I’ve been almost reduced to tears on several occasions with people sharing their own stories. Guys, depression is so pervasive – has truly made me appreciate how that person who’s been annoying you, or that colleague that isn’t delivering the work on schedule may have a perfectly legitimate reason for being the way they are.

Onto today’s depression truth, which is – scalp massages make you feel hella better

Yesterday was a bad day – the morning at least. The old symptoms – fatigue, lack of concentration, being emotional – all came flooding back.

Luckily, I had a chat with hubby about it. He’s had his own experiences and so is very understanding and sympathetic to the whole thing. It’s great to know that I can just go ‘bad day’ and he’ll go ‘right’ and be able to react accordingly.

Then I watched Good News Week (one of my fave shows) before heading off for my two-monthly hair appointment. ‘Tis very necessary – I’m as grey as all get-out and without constant dying, can end up looking like I’m 60. Which would be fine, if I was. But I’m not and quite frankly, having spent a lot of my life looking much younger than I am, I REFUSE to look older.

So there I was, in the hairdressers, getting my roots done and some foils to freshen things up. Just sitting there, nice and peaceful, helped a lot. Then it was time to wash the hair. My salon has massage chairs at the basin, so you get super-relaxed. By the time the massage application of the conditioner came along, I was so ready for it.

Ah, my scalp’s tingling now just thinking about it.

I returned home feeling almost chipper. The night passed well and after Hubby and I collapsed into bed at a ridiculously early hour (8.30 yo), I fell asleep pretty quickly and had the best night’s sleep in weeks – woke up once around 4.30am but fell asleep again pretty quickly and was happy until I got up at 7 to go for my walk.

So I’m headed off to the doctor’s today feeling quite good. But after yesterday, I know that I’m far from being cured and I’m ready to organise my counselling, keeping going with the exercise, meditation and so on and hopefully as the days go on, I’ll get better and better.

Day five

Was having a good morning – getting lots of things done. Then energy started to ebb, just in time for Hubby’s return.

Kept myself going until the end of the night, but went to bed feeling a bit down. Took me a while to get to sleep and this morning – not feeling so crash hot.

It’s interesting – do I admit to myself that I appear to be having a bad day and make allowances for that? Or do I not admit it, in case I’m talking myself into feeling shit and if I focus on the positive I can wish it away?

You know, this depression thing really f*#$s with your head.

A couple of links to some things that I’ve found helpful and you might too.

The fabulous Liz Argall wrote this article on depression and creative folks a few years ago. I found the advice there extremely pertinent.

I’ve mentioned the ANU’s Mood Gym. It’s an online workshop to help deal with some of the wonky thinking that affects mood (based on cognitive behavioural training, which theorises that emotions are caused by thoughts and not the other way around). Is the common method psychs use when treating depression nowadays.

Getting my hair done today – which always makes me feel better. And I think I’ll start working on packing for the trip – focus on something worthwhile in the future, rather than wallow.

Day four.

Decided to have a lazy day yesterday – well, it was Sunday. So I caught up with my favourite Sunday morning viewing (Insiders, then Offsiders, then The Sunday Roast, along with watching last night’s RockWiz – what a brilliant show) and then I did a lot of reading.

I finished my second Kerrelyn Sparks – I’m really getting into those novels – and a couple of the Harlequins I picked up at ARRC.

When dinner came round, I made my fatal error. You see, I’ve not been fussing too much with the points with Weight Watchers (not going to meetings for weigh-ins at the moment) and with Hubby coming home today, knew it was my last chance to eat certain foods. So I got some Chinese delivered.

Now, I need to order more Chinese than I can eat myself because it’s gotta be more than $25 for home-delivery. I’m usually pretty good at only eating what I can bear, and then throwing the rest (I know that’s a waste, but it’s the way it is). However last night, I ate too much (damn those honey king prawns!)

I went to bed, and my tummy wasn’t happy, and so I was having issues sleeping. And before long, the self-talk started and the mood started to sink – you’re so stupid, can’t believe you do these things to yourself…

Managed to catch it and judging by how I’m feeling this morning, I’ve pretty much talked myself out of it – I’m feeling a bit braindead, but not upset or sad.

But as a result, I didn’t sleep well last night and so today’s going to be harder than it should be. Disappointing on the day when I’ll be going to pick hubby up from the airport.

I think this is one of the things the counselling is about – giving you the skills so that when you catch the negative thinking, you know how to deal with it.

Went for a walk this morning – didn’t walk yesterday, maybe that was part of the problem as well. Also have a to-do list today, so hopefully I’ll finish it feeling accomplished. With hubby home, I should also be happier as well. Although it is the end of responsibility-free Nicole.

Days two and three…

Have been pretty good – I’m feeling pretty good at the moment.

I’ve been really lucky that I’m self-employed and off-deadline, and that Hubby’s away at the moment so I have no responsibility and I’ve been able to just focus on making myself feel better. I think that’s really helped with how quickly I seem to be bouncing back from it all.

So on Friday, after the blog was posted, I got myself organised and went off to the movies. I downloaded a new book to Kindle, went to Manuka and had lunch before going to see The King’s Speech, which was such a beautiful story.

I got home, feeling tired but I really didn’t want to have a nap – I’m trying to re-establish good sleep patterns, so instead I found things to do.

The ANU has a thing called the Mood Gym – it uses Cognitive Behavioural theories to help you work through some issues in your thought process. My sister recommended it, so I worked through the first module. No insights so far, but I think it helped to know that I was working to help myself.]

Then I downloaded a guided meditation for my iPod. The first one was ridiculous – felt like I was being brainwashed. The second was great. After dinner, I then finished my boot bag – I was so happy with how it worked out.

So went to bed quite happy, and slept reasonably well. I woke up once, but went back to sleep pretty quickly.

Up at 6.30 – was still a bit dark, so hit the snooze a couple of times before I could go for a walk. Then went and voted, then got ready for the road-trip.

Tracey O’Hara and I drove up to the book-signing session at the Australian Romance Readers Convention. I won’t go into it because we’re doing a blog for the Voyager blog. I was a little concerned that if it wasn’t a positive experience I wouldn’t handle it well, but luckily it was great. I signed books – some were sold. Some of the books had been given out free to attendees and a few people came to tell me how much they loved them. So nice.

Home late, went straight to bed, slept well for four hours then on and off. I’m feeling a bit worn out this morning, so I’ll probably take it easy today. Bit of reading, bit of lazing around, bit of sunshine.

But yeah – am feeling MUCH better. Seems I might have done well in catching this so quickly and being able to work so effectively on it.

Day one–first full day after diagnosis

I had a good night’s sleep, and went for a walk as soon as I woke up so already, there was a sense of accomplishment. I made up a to-do list and did the first thing on it – a blog post announcing my depression and my plans for dealing with it.

I was mucking around on the internet – reading blogs, catching up with Twitter and Facebook and then bam – a sudden surge of fatigue. My brain just shut down.

I’ve come up with an image to describe what’s going on with my brain at the moment. I see it as a series of tracks (because I am at my best when I’ve got one thing to focus on). Usually, running on these tracks is this FABULOUS steam locomotive – it’s got a boiler that can go for hours, and it’s all steampunky. So let’s say, for example, a track runs out and I need to shift to a new one – well, spider legs poke out of the train and it scuttles over to the new track, sets itself down, withdraw legs and goes off down the new track. Easy peasy. If I need to think about something on a different track but can’t afford to leave the current one, then my train can deliver a new, smaller train down onto the new track. It goes off, does what it needs to do then when it’s done, grows spider legs and scuttles back. The real train picks it up, settles it down then gets on with what it’s supposed to do.

Cool, right? Well, what’s happening at the moment is that my steampunk spider train is gone. I’ve got a regular, ordinary steamtrain with a boiler that will only last an hour or so before requiring several hours at a station to fill up again. It takes a while to get up to speed but when it’s there, can motor along nicely – until the boiler runs out. If it needs to leave the track we’ve got to stop the train, put it up on a truck, take it over and put it down again – a slow, laborious process that takes FOREVER.

In fact, I can feel the train running out of energy right now.

Well yesterday, I went and started reading Gail Carriger’s Blameless (why yes, that probably IS where the steampunk imagery came from), Over the course of the day, I pottered around with a few other things as well – finished the book, got my new boot bag to almost complete, booked hubby’s car in for a new radiator, posted a letter and bought some new anti-histamines (non-drowsy).

I had hoped I’d stay awake all day, but around 2.30 I flagged seriously so at 3 I gave myself an hour to sleep. Boy, it was hard to wake up – I don’t normally keep hitting the snooze button like that.

Was a bit out of sorts for the rest of the day, until the lovely Donna came for a chat. That helped and for a while there, in discussing her new WiP, my brain actually worked. Ah, such a lovely feeling.

Sleep wasn’t as good as the night before, but not too bad and knowing the cause, I didn’t get frustrated either. Slept in this morning and when I went for my walk, was still pretty much asleep but it got done.

Today, I”m going to see The King’s Speech. I’ve wanted to see it for ages, and in the middle of the day will hopefully help me stay awake so I have a better chance of good sleep tonight.

Tomorrow – a road trip to Sydney with Tracey O’Hara. Looking forward to that.

The announcement

Copied from http://nicolermurphy.com Posted March 24, 2011

So as I said on Twitter and Facebook last night, the mystery of why I’ve been feeling so crap for the past couple of weeks has been solved – I have depression.

It ended up not being such a surprise. The night before I went to the doctor, was chatting to hubby and he told me I was sounding better and a few days earlier I’d sounded depressed. The word hammered into my brain and I realised that I was exhibiting a lot of the classic symptoms – fatigue, insomnia, mood swings.

Went to the doctor and within moments she was asking me ‘the’ questions – they ones they use to determine the diagnosis of depression. She asked if anything had gone wrong lately – I mentioned something a couple of weeks ago and next thing I knew, I was blubbering. It was hours before the tears stopped, although they’re not far away (I can feel them welling as I type this).

She’s called it reactive depression and said it’s a form of grieving – this event went completely against expectations and has long-reaching implications. A dream I had seems shot down and I’m mourning the loss. I thought I’d handled the disappointment well and because the symptoms were pretty much all physical, didn’t consider the possibility of it being a mental issue at all.

So, the treatment. A couple of people have asked about drugs and it was discussed. I’ve said no for the time being – not because I’m anti-drugs cause I’m not, I’ve seen the impact they can have on people with mental illness. But I’m doing a lot of travelling over the next month and I’d rather not be adjusting to a new chemical balance in my body on top of that. If at the end of April I’m feeling that I need them, I’ll go on the drugs.

In the meantime, I suggested exercise as an alternative and the doctor agreed. There are some studies that have shown 30 minutes of moderate exercise at least five days a week is as effective for some sufferers of mild to moderate depression as the drugs. So I’ve been for a walk this morning. The good thing about going for a walk first thing is that, apart from the fact I don’t have time to talk myself out of it, it means I start the day having achieved something, which is always good.

I’ll be going to counselling. Free counselling is part of the service offered by the Federal Government for medically diagnosed depression (a good reason to go see your doctor if you suspect something is going on). Not forever, of course, but it’s going to be a great help – not just in terms of helping me develop skills to deal with this current hiccup, but just in general. I’ve gone through a lot of changes over the past couple of years and then there’s the fact I’ve never really gotten any assistance in dealing with the challenges of being married to someone with chronic health issues. When I think about the emotional and psychological pressure I’ve been under for a long period of time, it’s really no surprise that eventually I cracked.

I’m back to see the doctor in a week to go through all the paperwork and get that started.

In the meantime, apart from the exercise, I’m going to do a couple of other things to help myself. Someone on Facebook (I believe it was Claire McKenna, thanks) suggested getting as much sun as possible (of course, that means that today is overcast) but I’ll certainly do that. I’m going to get back into doing some meditation. My diet, thanks to the weightloss, is pretty good so I don’t need to make many adjustments there.

I’m becoming the Queen of the to-do list. One of the things I’ve found over the past couple of weeks is that my ability to think and make decisions is really, really bad. I’ll wander the house, wanting to do SOMETHING but unable to think of what. In that respect, having to clean the house for the rental inspection was a great thing, cause I had something I had to do every day. So in the morning, when I’m fresh, I’ll make a list of things to do that day. That way, I don’t have to try to think of things to occupy myself as my brain fizzles, AND there’s the sense of achievement of ticking things off.

Made a couple of adjustments to my schedule last night (warm milk, watching tv in the dark for a while) and as a result had the best night’s sleep in weeks. Still not perfect, but much better. Will try to avoid napping during the day in order to encourage sound sleep at night and rebuild my sleeping patterns.

And what can you do to help, if you wish?

a) If I owe you something, remind me. My memory is mush – I’ll forget what I was supposed to be doing two hours ago. Don’t hesitate to be blunt – ‘Cause I know you’re useless at the moment, don’t forget that you need to do X for me’. I’ll laugh and if I don’t – well, revenge is sweet

b) Don’t ask me what I want, or to make decisions. Honestly, the moment someone says ‘Would you like to’ or ‘Do you want me to’ my brain freezes up. It can’t deal. If you want to do something for me, say ‘I’m going to take you out to lunch’ or ‘I’m going to come over tomorrow’. I’m capable of doing yes and no when an offer is put before me. This is one of the bits I hate the most – I’m the poster child for independence. But right now, it’s how my brain is working.

I’m going to be talking about this – maybe I should start a new blog – because as I’ve said before, I believe that talking about these issues helps break down ignorance, increase understanding and those things combat prejudice and fear. So I apologise for being a bit of a downer, both in the past couple of weeks and for the forseeable future.

I’ll try to post positive things – I’ve got lots of things coming up to look forward to. Saturday Tracey O’Hara and I have a road-trip up to Sydney for the Australian Romance Readers Convention. Then there’s my week and a bit in LA, and the trip to Swancon. As well, Rogue Gadda is in the final stages of preparation for the July release and I can’t wait to be able to show you the cover – it’s beautiful.

So – that’s me, in the opening weeks of my 42nd year on Planet Earth. And wow – what an interesting year it’s going to be

About my depression

This is a new blog I've started up to detail my depression - how things are going, what I'm doing to combat it.

If you've got your own stories, I'd love to hear them. If you're willing to share them, that would be great - I believe it's important to talk about these things. Happy to post them anonymously for you, if that makes it easier.

Note - this is going to be very personal, and at times probably self-indulgent and negative.