Yep, I’ve been quiet – mainly cause I didn’t have anything really to say. I was feeling good, life was going along nicely and even though I’ve been sick on and off for the past couple of weeks, all in all I felt quite chipper.
Then came today. Today I will start writing fiction again, for the first time since mid-March. And I’m scared.
It’s not that I doubt I can write, or that I don’t have the ideas. I do – it’s all buzzing in my head. What’s worrying me is that this project is directly related to the event that triggered the depression. It was because of how I was approaching this project that my thinking got twisted enough for the event in March to impact me the way it did.
I now know that I over-reacted. It wasn’t the terrible event that I thought it was. Not fantastic, but with context, not the end of it all either.
But I don’t want to fall into the bad habits that caused the vulnerability that led to the over-reaction and while I’ve done a lot of work to prevent that, this is now the test.
I’ve identified and started working on some of my unhealthy thinking, thanks to my counselling. I’ve developed a business plan to help me maintain a more rounded view of my career and where I’m going. I feel more positive about the future.
But none of that has been tested. Everything I’ve done for the past few weeks has revolved around the writing. But if I’m going to be a writer, I have to write. If I want to have a career, I need to sell more novels and this project is my best hope at the moment.
I’m hoping the fact that I’m aware my fears is going to go some way to helping mitigate them.
Go for it, Nicole. I remember getting fired from a job once. I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me - I wept like a baby. But as time went on, I began to see things very differently. As a result of that firing, I got another, far more interesting job. As a result of that more interesting job, I wound up on 'Lord of the Rings'... ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean to say with this nonsense is that you're doing so well, and you're in a very strong position now - the position of knowing exactly what you want. ;)
Thanks Mary. It is important to realise that life is more full of opportunity than it is shattered dreams - you just have to look for them.
ReplyDeleteI've just found this blog, Nicole, and I am so impressed with how you're dealing with the problem. Depression is insidious and debilitating - and, far too often, treated by non-sufferers as if if it's self indulgent which is certainly not the case. As a fellow sufferer I applaud your efforts.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nellievee - I appreciate your thoughts. I believe that such things need to be discussed, in order to break down discrimination and lack of understanding. If my little effort can help achieve that, I'll be very pleased.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to comment and say that I think you're awesome. Depression is a disease that needs to be talked about, not hidden away.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it's also a disease that working in a field like writing can make worse (not that I need to tell you that, mind). But we're also in a good position to use our writing to help work through the depression.
Thanks Stephanie. There's certainly an element of therapy in what we do, isn't there? And I wonder if our skills in analysing and developing characters give us better skills to work on our own mental landscape compared to others.
ReplyDeleteYour comment also reminds me of something else I meant to do - after the lovely message you sent to me after Swancon, I realised that we don't tell people that they're awesome often enough. So I'm going to instigate 'You're Awesome!' day on Mondays on my other blog and let people know they're appreciated.