The black dog drags you in again.
Had a bad day yesterday. My sleep patterns are still not back in sync and as a result, I fight through tiredness each day to do what I need to do.
Things had been getting better – I’d slept reasonably well Monday and Tuesday nights. Then Wednesday night was bad. I woke up Thursday morning and instantly my thoughts went dark. ‘I’m so over this. It’s never going to end. I’m going to feel like shit forever. I don’t think I can keep doing this’.
I sat down at my computer and tried to have a normal day, but the anger, the frustration was too great. So I gave up writing and focussed instead on getting the house clean. I did some reading. Spent some time in the sun. Had a quick visit with Dad.
My counsellor gave me some advice on re-setting my sleep habits and last night I worked through them. 8.30pm – turn on electric blanket. 9pm – have a shower. 9.30pm – have a mug of warm milk. 10pm – go to bed.
I lay in bed, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the artificiality of it all. But you know what – it worked. I was asleep inside half an hour and only woke up briefly a couple of times.
Do I feel fabulous today? No, still tired. But the mood is much better. And I was able to convince myself to get up and go for a walk – I’ve been struggling with that as the weather cooled.
It took months to get myself to the place where the depression hit. I can’t expect it to be fixed in a few days. I just have to trust that while I don’t always feel it, I’m doing the right things to make myself feel better and then one day, I will be.
I don't think you're ever completely out of the woods. They may always be there (well, that has been my experience over past 2+ decades). Instead it's a case of knowing where the paths are, where it's dangerous and how to keep the wild undergrowth in check so it can't trip you up as you on occasion lose track of where the path is when the light gets dim.
ReplyDeleteOh & I call mine a recalcitrant black puppy :-)
Recalcitrant black puppy - love it!
ReplyDeleteI struggled with depression all my life - at least from the age of 11 and probably earlier - until about twenty-five years ago. I was actually suicidal for a while - used to wake up in the morning thinking "Oh, fuck, I'm still alive". Only the knowledge that suicide would hurt my children kept me alive, I think. But due to a fortuitous series of new contacts, I found a good counsellor and took up Yoga and meditation. Counselling helped a lot, but it was the other two things that pulled my life together. I now swear by them and try to persuade anyone I know who has suffered from the black dog to give them a try. I took them up very seriously - Yoga class every day, and couple of hours of meditation daily - but within months the depression had vanished and I was off the meds. It has never come back to any great extent. It sometimes gives me a nudge but never again has it taken over my life. I don't do anything like as many hours of Yoga and meditation these days, but the black dog has now gone off to play, and so have I:-)
Nicky - that's a nice analogy, knowing the landscape and where you can get tripped up and keeping on top of it. I guess what this moment is about for me is learning that landscape, so I can prepare for it.
ReplyDeleteSatima - thank you for sharing. I had a similar situation myself when I was a teenager - I'd go to sleep praying I'd die and when cry when I woke up and realised I was alive. I've been telling myself that I've been dealing with low self-esteem, not depression all these years but maybe I was wrong.
ReplyDeleteI used to be really into yoga and it really did make me feel better. I was astounded how much calmer and more able to deal with stuff I was. I've tried to get back into it, but the weight I've put on has hampered that. Maybe I should just bite the bullet, get out my mat again and work my way through 'Oh, I can't do this anymore' stuff.