Making progress

Slowly but surely, it comes together. My sleep patterns are improving. My efforts on that part are starting to show effect. And counselling yesterday helped to put some more of the ducks back into that proverbial row (although shouldn’t it be an arrow shape?)

We’ve been doing some work on mindfulness, staying in the present. We’ve also done some work on training the brain to push away those thoughts that just aren’t important or helpful right now, so you can get on with what needs to be done.

I got really good at pushing thoughts, worries, away so I could get on with work/housework/whatever needed to be done. But I’d then keep pushing away, pushing away. I didn’t feel anxious, so thought I wasn’t.

Then my sleep would be all over the shop as my poor subconscious struggled to deal with all the stuff I wasn’t facing during the day.

Being present doesn’t mean just pushing away – you have to acknowledge that those thoughts and feelings exist. And you have to make time to deal with them.

So a new part of my daily routine is to spend some time late in the afternoon allowing my worries, anxieties, excitements to come to the surface and dealing with them, there and then, so my brain can relax at night and I can get a proper night’s sleep.

Counselling and bad days

It’s only been twice, so it can’t really be called a trend, but…

Once again, the day after counselling, I woke up feeling like crap. Tired. Emotional.

The thing was, we had a bit of a break-through in counselling, and identified one of the things that’s been making life difficult for me – a mistaken belief that I shouldn’t be proud of myself or put myself out there because “you shouldn’t be up-yourself”. Also, we talked about the ‘real me’ I mentioned a couple of blog posts back and about how maybe the extremes of emotions weren’t real.

As my counsellor pointed out, and I concurred, the anti-depressants don’t stop you feeling those emotions. I’m still capable of getting excited, happy, anxious etc. But the thing is, those feelings don’t overwhelm me any more or get in the way of my life.

Her point was to think about the values that I want to live my life by. Is the treatment stopping me from living my life that way? That’s the benchmark by which to decide if it’s good or not.

Thursday, I just didn’t have the energy to fight the tiredness and so I didn’t. That was different to today, where I woke up probably feeling just as bad but was able to find the voice inside me that said ‘doesn’t matter, keep going, you’ll get through it’. Luckily, I’m in a position where I can just give up on those days and spend my time lounging around the house, watching television and reading. It must be truly heinous, to be feeling that way and have to keep going.

So my sleep patterns, which were getting better, have gone weird again. My brain goes at a million miles an hour and I wake up constantly through the night. So I think I have to be firm with myself again. I had started to let myself think about the story I’m working on – that was my traditional method, I’d finish writing in the morning, let it sit and then at night, think about what to do next so I’d wake up the next morning ready to work. But that seems to be stimulating my brain too much, so back to blanking out my mind and not letting it attach to any thoughts as I’m trying to sleep. We’ll see how it goes.

Another point – had my first drop of alcohol in five weeks last night. I put myself off it until the anti-depressants settled in – it seemed to me ridiculous to put a depressant in my system while my body was getting used to anti-depressants. Perhaps it is partly to blame for why I’m feeling a bit tired today. I’ll not have any tonight and see how I go.

A great week.

So after that bad day, things have really picked up. I don’t know if it’s the anti-depressants kicking in (it’s now four weeks – dr said would take six) or if it’s the fact I’ve started walking again (exercise really does work for me) but since last Saturday, I’ve been feeling pretty good.

My sleeping’s got better and I’ve not been as tired during the day. I’ve been able to think, and concentrate better, and so I’ve got a lot done. I managed to get a whole lot of publicity stuff done for Rogue Gadda AND I started a new novel and got 10,000 words written of it.

So all in all, I have to say things are looking up.

An interesting thing I have noted – the days seem to be taking longer to past. I don’t know if it’s the depression, or if it’s the mindfulness training the counsellor suggested, but I seem to find myself with time on my hands. I don’t particularly want to fill that time with things to do, but on the other hand I don’t like being bored either.

Will be interesting to see how that develops.