Just when you think you’re out of the woods…

The black dog drags you in again.

Had a bad day yesterday. My sleep patterns are still not back in sync and as a result, I fight through tiredness each day to do what I need to do.

Things had been getting better – I’d slept reasonably well Monday and Tuesday nights. Then Wednesday night was bad. I woke up Thursday morning and instantly my thoughts went dark. ‘I’m so over this. It’s never going to end. I’m going to feel like shit forever. I don’t think I can keep doing this’.

I sat down at my computer and tried to have a normal day, but the anger, the frustration was too great. So I gave up writing and focussed instead on getting the house clean. I did some reading. Spent some time in the sun. Had a quick visit with Dad.

My counsellor gave me some advice on re-setting my sleep habits and last night I worked through them. 8.30pm – turn on electric blanket. 9pm – have a shower. 9.30pm – have a mug of warm milk. 10pm – go to bed.

I lay in bed, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the artificiality of it all. But you know what – it worked. I was asleep inside half an hour and only woke up briefly a couple of times.

Do I feel fabulous today? No, still tired. But the mood is much better. And I was able to convince myself to get up and go for a walk – I’ve been struggling with that as the weather cooled.

It took months to get myself to the place where the depression hit. I can’t expect it to be fixed in a few days. I just have to trust that while I don’t always feel it, I’m doing the right things to make myself feel better and then one day, I will be.

The real me…

Things are going well. The anti-depressants have kicked in to the point that I’m feeling quite mellow. I’m still having issues with my sleep patterns and resultant tiredness, but I’ll have a chat to the doctor about that this afternoon when I go for a check-up.

On the weekend, a friend blogged about their own battle with depression and a recent fall back into the blackness. They talked about their concerns about being medicated and now wanting to lose who they really are.

It’s something that I related to. In the past, I had my gynaecologist come up with a different birth control because I didn’t like how the pill evened me out. Sure, not having the downs was good, but I lost the highs as well. An IUD solved that problem.

It is something that plays on my mind now that I’m on anti-depressants, because I’m also on the pill at the moment too (to deal with peri-menopause symptoms). I recognise that right now, I need the help – my brain is seriously out of whack – but I don’t want to lose ME.

Then someone commented on my friends blog and paraphrasing it went like this – a psychologist friend told them that actually, the unmedicated you probably isn’t the real you. After all, you’re on medication because your brain chemistry is fucked up, right?

It’s like a brain explosion. We all know that in bi-polar, the manic phase is as dangerous as the depression phase. I’m not bi-polar, I don’t get manic, but maybe the at time intense highs and lows I go through, which I’ve always associated with me being an ‘emotional’ person, aren’t healthy either.

Maybe once the anti-depressants get my brain chemistry under control, I’m going to find the ‘real’ me.

I’ll discuss it with the counsellor at my session on Wednesday and see what she thinks.

A bit of a catch-up

Let’s see how long Blogger stays up, shall we?

So, in the week since I last posted, I -

a) been adjusting to the anti-depressants. They’ve had an impact, but not a good one – at one point I said to a friend ‘this must be what pregnancy feels like – tummy off, head a bit spinny, tired, smell of meat turns you off…’ Dr said it would take a couple of weeks for the symptoms to subside as my brain chemistry adjusts. Luckily, most of it hasn’t been too bad – the nausea for example is just a background thing. My disturbed sleep patterns and the tiredness are another thing entirely

b) I went to a new counsellor. This one isn’t as interested in taking me through cognitive behavioural therapy – she sees that as not being the issue. Her belief is that I’m hooking into negative narratives and letting them disrupt my life. Her solution – mindfulness training. Being in the moment and learning to push thoughts aside so they don’t impact on what needs to be done. If something’s bad enough, it will come back to dealt with at the appropriate time and place. Often, the thoughts aren’t worth engaging with and so they can just float away. Will be interesting to see how it works out.

c) My sleep patterns are up the wazoo. It takes me hours to fall asleep (no matter how tired I am when I go to bed) and then I’m sleeping really late and upsetting the whole balance of the day. I need to make a good routine for going to sleep – sleep hygiene, the doctor called it. The other thing I’m doing is slowly moving my body back into my usual routine. I’ve been getting up around 11 – today it was 9. Over the next week, I’ll move it down until I’m back at my usual 7am wake-up. Hopefully that, combined with the routine at night, will get me back to my standard sleep of the dead for 8-9 hours.

Mood wise, things have been pretty good. I didn’t do as much work later in the week as I would have liked, but that’s done and no point obsessing over it. Gonna try to get back into regular work patterns this week.

Feeling almost–chipper.

It’s incredible, the impact taking action can have on your mood. I’ve woken up this morning a little tired, but otherwise feeling quite good.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. I was actually a bit assertive in ensuring I got an appointment – something that I don’t normally do. The word ‘depression’ certainly gets the receptionists acting to find something for you.

Anyhoo – I’m now on anti-depressants. The latest downtown has made it clear that this is more than a one-off event and I’m happy to use medication – once I know that my body can’t fight off the problem itself. Some of the side-effects came into being pretty quickly, particularly some nausea. Doctor’s advice is to just put up with it, it will wear off in a couple of weeks as my brain starts to adjust to the new chemistry. As long as it’s not too bad, of course – if I get really sick, back to see her immediately. Otherwise, I’ve got an appointment in two weeks to check on my progress.

It’s gonna take six weeks for the drugs to start taking an affect – it’s going to be interesting to see what that is. The bad part of all this – I can’t drink until things have settled down. *sob*

I’m going to be on the anti-depressants for at least 18 months – in the doctor’s words, it generally takes a year to sort out what caused it in the first place, and then you get slowly weaned off until you’re back relying on your natural brain chemistry.

Talking of sorting out – I’ve decided to get a new counsellor. Although my first counsellor said and did some good stuff, there was also a sense of pushing their agenda and and trying to force a mutual relationship by doing things such as pushing the fact they were a writer too. And there was a general lack of – studied professionalism, I’ll call it. Not that I doubted their ability of credentials and I don’t want someone who’s all buttoned up and can’t relate, but the way things were being run were a little too relaxed for my comfort.

Yeah, I’m generally laid-back and I require a counsellor who is too – but I’m also driven and conscientious and I want to feel that from my counsellor as well.

This is a brand new person I’ve not met before, and I think it will be good to go back to the beginning and work things through now that I’m past the initial triggering event. So that’s on Wednesday.

So having seen the doctor and made the appointment with a new counsellor yesterday, I’m feeling like I’m taking control again. Add to that the fact that yesterday (despite problems with concentrating) was a good day work-wise and it’s no wonder I feel good today.

I’m going to take this day, run with it and do what I can, because who knows how long this will last.

It’s baaaaaaack.

Yesterday, the depression hit big time. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I did and while I was on my walk, I was overwhelmed by this compelling need to cry which didn’t abate all day.

Slowly but surely, I got better. I read the entries I have for a writing competition I’m judging, and had a nap. Hubby forced me up and over to a friend’s place for afternoon tea and that turned out to be a great move which helped to snap me a little out of the bad head space I was in.

By the time night fell, I was feeling – not chipper, but the desire to cry had subsided and my brain started working a little.

Not a brilliant night’s sleep – woke up three or four times, but only briefly – but at least when I woke up this morning I wanted to get up. Although I’m sitting here tired, and my eyes don’t seem to want to focus much…

I’m trying to get in to see the doctor – she’s booked up today but the receptionist has said she’ll see what she can do. I think I’m ready to go on the anti-depressants now – this obviously has more of a hold on me than I hoped it had.

I’m also getting in touch with my counsellor, in hopes he’ll see me quickly.

I’ve been walking, and I spent a lot of time in the sun yesterday. Am also eating better again too so getting on top of that. Haven’t gone for a walk yet today – is now too cold in the morning – so will go later. Maybe I’ll drive to one of my favourite spots to walk, although that depends on how I’m feeling – the depression makes my concentration so bad that it’s almost like driving drunk.

So in short, I’m doing what I can to look after myself – just need to get the brain chemistry back in the game again.

In terms of work – honestly, not entirely sure what to do about that. I know that part of this downturn is the fear of future, but I don’t know if it’s right for me to turn from that. I think I’ll keep going, but I’ll also keep an eye out for negative self-talk, and for times that I want to slide into my head and fantasise about the future and stop myself.

It’s like the Serenity Prayer – Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I think I’ve got courage and wisdom nailed – it’s the serenity I’m having issues with. So that’s what I’ll work on – not letting things I can’t control get to me, accept the reality of the situation and then work out how to get around it.

Depression and fear

Yep, I’ve been quiet – mainly cause I didn’t have anything really to say. I was feeling good, life was going along nicely and even though I’ve been sick on and off for the past couple of weeks, all in all I felt quite chipper.

Then came today. Today I will start writing fiction again, for the first time since mid-March. And I’m scared.

It’s not that I doubt I can write, or that I don’t have the ideas. I do – it’s all buzzing in my head. What’s worrying me is that this project is directly related to the event that triggered the depression. It was because of how I was approaching this project that my thinking got twisted enough for the event in March to impact me the way it did.

I now know that I over-reacted. It wasn’t the terrible event that I thought it was. Not fantastic, but with context, not the end of it all either.

But I don’t want to fall into the bad habits that caused the vulnerability that led to the over-reaction and while I’ve done a lot of work to prevent that, this is now the test.

I’ve identified and started working on some of my unhealthy thinking, thanks to my counselling. I’ve developed a business plan to help me maintain a more rounded view of my career and where I’m going. I feel more positive about the future.

But none of that has been tested. Everything I’ve done for the past few weeks has revolved around the writing. But if I’m going to be a writer, I have to write. If I want to have a career, I need to sell more novels and this project is my best hope at the moment.

I’m hoping the fact that I’m aware my fears is going to go some way to helping mitigate them.