The announcement

Copied from http://nicolermurphy.com Posted March 24, 2011

So as I said on Twitter and Facebook last night, the mystery of why I’ve been feeling so crap for the past couple of weeks has been solved – I have depression.

It ended up not being such a surprise. The night before I went to the doctor, was chatting to hubby and he told me I was sounding better and a few days earlier I’d sounded depressed. The word hammered into my brain and I realised that I was exhibiting a lot of the classic symptoms – fatigue, insomnia, mood swings.

Went to the doctor and within moments she was asking me ‘the’ questions – they ones they use to determine the diagnosis of depression. She asked if anything had gone wrong lately – I mentioned something a couple of weeks ago and next thing I knew, I was blubbering. It was hours before the tears stopped, although they’re not far away (I can feel them welling as I type this).

She’s called it reactive depression and said it’s a form of grieving – this event went completely against expectations and has long-reaching implications. A dream I had seems shot down and I’m mourning the loss. I thought I’d handled the disappointment well and because the symptoms were pretty much all physical, didn’t consider the possibility of it being a mental issue at all.

So, the treatment. A couple of people have asked about drugs and it was discussed. I’ve said no for the time being – not because I’m anti-drugs cause I’m not, I’ve seen the impact they can have on people with mental illness. But I’m doing a lot of travelling over the next month and I’d rather not be adjusting to a new chemical balance in my body on top of that. If at the end of April I’m feeling that I need them, I’ll go on the drugs.

In the meantime, I suggested exercise as an alternative and the doctor agreed. There are some studies that have shown 30 minutes of moderate exercise at least five days a week is as effective for some sufferers of mild to moderate depression as the drugs. So I’ve been for a walk this morning. The good thing about going for a walk first thing is that, apart from the fact I don’t have time to talk myself out of it, it means I start the day having achieved something, which is always good.

I’ll be going to counselling. Free counselling is part of the service offered by the Federal Government for medically diagnosed depression (a good reason to go see your doctor if you suspect something is going on). Not forever, of course, but it’s going to be a great help – not just in terms of helping me develop skills to deal with this current hiccup, but just in general. I’ve gone through a lot of changes over the past couple of years and then there’s the fact I’ve never really gotten any assistance in dealing with the challenges of being married to someone with chronic health issues. When I think about the emotional and psychological pressure I’ve been under for a long period of time, it’s really no surprise that eventually I cracked.

I’m back to see the doctor in a week to go through all the paperwork and get that started.

In the meantime, apart from the exercise, I’m going to do a couple of other things to help myself. Someone on Facebook (I believe it was Claire McKenna, thanks) suggested getting as much sun as possible (of course, that means that today is overcast) but I’ll certainly do that. I’m going to get back into doing some meditation. My diet, thanks to the weightloss, is pretty good so I don’t need to make many adjustments there.

I’m becoming the Queen of the to-do list. One of the things I’ve found over the past couple of weeks is that my ability to think and make decisions is really, really bad. I’ll wander the house, wanting to do SOMETHING but unable to think of what. In that respect, having to clean the house for the rental inspection was a great thing, cause I had something I had to do every day. So in the morning, when I’m fresh, I’ll make a list of things to do that day. That way, I don’t have to try to think of things to occupy myself as my brain fizzles, AND there’s the sense of achievement of ticking things off.

Made a couple of adjustments to my schedule last night (warm milk, watching tv in the dark for a while) and as a result had the best night’s sleep in weeks. Still not perfect, but much better. Will try to avoid napping during the day in order to encourage sound sleep at night and rebuild my sleeping patterns.

And what can you do to help, if you wish?

a) If I owe you something, remind me. My memory is mush – I’ll forget what I was supposed to be doing two hours ago. Don’t hesitate to be blunt – ‘Cause I know you’re useless at the moment, don’t forget that you need to do X for me’. I’ll laugh and if I don’t – well, revenge is sweet

b) Don’t ask me what I want, or to make decisions. Honestly, the moment someone says ‘Would you like to’ or ‘Do you want me to’ my brain freezes up. It can’t deal. If you want to do something for me, say ‘I’m going to take you out to lunch’ or ‘I’m going to come over tomorrow’. I’m capable of doing yes and no when an offer is put before me. This is one of the bits I hate the most – I’m the poster child for independence. But right now, it’s how my brain is working.

I’m going to be talking about this – maybe I should start a new blog – because as I’ve said before, I believe that talking about these issues helps break down ignorance, increase understanding and those things combat prejudice and fear. So I apologise for being a bit of a downer, both in the past couple of weeks and for the forseeable future.

I’ll try to post positive things – I’ve got lots of things coming up to look forward to. Saturday Tracey O’Hara and I have a road-trip up to Sydney for the Australian Romance Readers Convention. Then there’s my week and a bit in LA, and the trip to Swancon. As well, Rogue Gadda is in the final stages of preparation for the July release and I can’t wait to be able to show you the cover – it’s beautiful.

So – that’s me, in the opening weeks of my 42nd year on Planet Earth. And wow – what an interesting year it’s going to be