It’s baaaaaaack.

Yesterday, the depression hit big time. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I did and while I was on my walk, I was overwhelmed by this compelling need to cry which didn’t abate all day.

Slowly but surely, I got better. I read the entries I have for a writing competition I’m judging, and had a nap. Hubby forced me up and over to a friend’s place for afternoon tea and that turned out to be a great move which helped to snap me a little out of the bad head space I was in.

By the time night fell, I was feeling – not chipper, but the desire to cry had subsided and my brain started working a little.

Not a brilliant night’s sleep – woke up three or four times, but only briefly – but at least when I woke up this morning I wanted to get up. Although I’m sitting here tired, and my eyes don’t seem to want to focus much…

I’m trying to get in to see the doctor – she’s booked up today but the receptionist has said she’ll see what she can do. I think I’m ready to go on the anti-depressants now – this obviously has more of a hold on me than I hoped it had.

I’m also getting in touch with my counsellor, in hopes he’ll see me quickly.

I’ve been walking, and I spent a lot of time in the sun yesterday. Am also eating better again too so getting on top of that. Haven’t gone for a walk yet today – is now too cold in the morning – so will go later. Maybe I’ll drive to one of my favourite spots to walk, although that depends on how I’m feeling – the depression makes my concentration so bad that it’s almost like driving drunk.

So in short, I’m doing what I can to look after myself – just need to get the brain chemistry back in the game again.

In terms of work – honestly, not entirely sure what to do about that. I know that part of this downturn is the fear of future, but I don’t know if it’s right for me to turn from that. I think I’ll keep going, but I’ll also keep an eye out for negative self-talk, and for times that I want to slide into my head and fantasise about the future and stop myself.

It’s like the Serenity Prayer – Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I think I’ve got courage and wisdom nailed – it’s the serenity I’m having issues with. So that’s what I’ll work on – not letting things I can’t control get to me, accept the reality of the situation and then work out how to get around it.