Day seven

A friend contacted me when I first announced my depression and talked about the importance of being able to talk, and have someone listen. This day proved how true that is.

Hubby came with me to the doctor’s to do all the paperwork. She was really happy with the efforts I’ve been making, particularly on the exercise front. I got big brownie points for that. There was a moment of panic when Hubby asked the (deserved) question of whether it would be a good idea to go to LA or not (he thought it would be, but wanted to be certain – I had to talk myself down in order to be ready to handle the answer being no). Luckily, doctor thought would be fine.

Note – I am aware that jetlag, on top of depression, may not make for a very good combination and I’m prepared for a major drop in mood in the first few days. Luckily, that should be over by the time the convention starts.

I popped in to see a friend for a couple of hours, and talking things over with her helped to solidify a few thoughts. It’s funny – I’ve never been one for sharing details of how I’m feeling about things. I think there’s a few reasons for that – my life-long low self-esteem is a big part of it, and being in a large family also can help you become extremely independent. But what it does mean is that there’s no way your thoughts can be questioned or examined – you keep them inside, they get locked into being a truth and then the problems begin.

I need to talk about what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what I want and need more often, if only to question if that is actually what I’m feeling, thinking, wanting and needing.

Then I was able to quickly organise my first counselling session. I got some really valuable insights from it into some of the warped thinking that put me in a position where life could become too heavy a burden.

For example, I’ve been quite proud of how my self-confidence has been developing, but I’ve realised that some of the good feelings I’ve had about myself have come from the wrong place. When people come to say they love my books, it’s not about me – it’s about the book. Important thing to remember.

Also, I realised that over the past few months, I’ve become too narrow in my focus. I left myself with no room to move and so when seemingly bad news came, I couldn’t step aside or change direction and so I had no choice but to be pummelled by it.

Finally, was the realisation that I’ve been trying to hold onto things that can’t be held onto. Sometimes it’s for a good reason – a dream has been fulfilled, but I haven’t recognised that. Sometimes it’s due to lack of understanding.

The Serenity Prayer is one that I’ve always felt a connection to:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Makes a lot of sense to me now.

So my mood is fairly elevated today – and yet the physical symptoms are still there. Who said this was just a mood to get yourself out of? Anyone who has – you don’t have a clue.

Now, to finish my packing. 18.5 hours until I leave for California